And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same I
t's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

What do you do when you can feel, witness, feel, see, comprehend, *realize*, feel that you are being sidelined?
That you hold absolutely no importance in that very person's life who seemed so much to empathise with you? Who you empathised with? What do you do when you feel indifferent towards someone who was so important in your life? When you simply don't feel like bothering to ask "Oh how are you doing?"
When you don't wish to be around that person or talk to them or hear their steady droning voice?
When you start feeling angry- angry because you're guilty of something you aren't even aware of.
When you start slipping in a downward spiral.
When the facade falls and you are left disturbed.
When the layers of hypocritical denial and complacence are pierced and you feel like exploding into a thousand tiny bits of exasperation and in a strange way, satisfaction.
And then dissolve, dissolve, dissolve.
Become a heterogenous solvent that might just crystallise into something even more ridiculous!

It seemed as though the ferryboat was a part of that frozen lake that simply refused to thaw.
It seemed as if the blues would somehow swallow all the hues surrounding it.
It feels strange to be writing these random bits of gibberish considering its autumn and there is no trace of blue anywhere.
The sky too is bleached.
At times you force yourself yourself to think because it can be scary to feel stupefied and blank.

And the violets were blending seamlessly with the fuschia and the oranges.
A sunny day when you feel like stopping by that random tree and searching for a scope to analyse a butterfly pupa?
No. Wait. Does that sound suspicious?
Maybe.
The kind of day when you actually feel like celebrating perhaps. Anything. Doesn't matter. Reasons hardly make any sense. Anymore.
So I think Iam going to sit here. Thats right. I'll get up and take hesitant peeks outside, from time to time, well hidden behind the folds of these heavy curtains and I'll think of reasons not to go out.

Iam suddenly reminded of Super Mario.
Those magic mushrooms.
Metaphorical or what?
:)

There will be time, there will be time

To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;

There will be time to murder and create,

And time for all the works and days of hands

That lift and drop a question on your plate;

Time for you and time for me,

And time yet for a hundred indecisions,

And for a hundred visions and revisions,

Before the taking of a toast and tea.


Another poetry session was concluded.
Random blurry images rushing past like torrents of uninhibited garbage.
And then the moment of truth?
She gets up and walks a few paces and comes to a suitable conclusion.
But ofcourse, he must be told!
And so he is.

"because we are so immune/detached/unaware/scared/paranoid about reality and physicality and real love and we are so scared of rejection/denial/boredom that we have convinced each other that we are the perfect one for each other but since that cant be fulfilled either we are trying to convince each other and more importantly ourselves that real and true love are different and we are so so so very devoted to that idea that we have perfectly convinced ourselves and we are now convinced that we are insane because we are too scared to know what it actually can be."

I rest my case.
I plead insanity.

I need inspiration.
And a reason to be alive. A good enough reason.
Iam sick of being a failure.

20th june.
he is here.
buried buried buried in his arms.
never letting go off him.
and for a change, he is holding on me, like he'll never let go.
"i hope you're happy..."
that familiar smell.
that voice.
his casual laughter.
his justifications- why he chose not to tell me that he loves me. ..how he had to be responsible and act like an adult.
how he now feels that i indeed deserved a fair chance. that he took awa my fair 50%
how a girlfriend is differnt from the one you love.
how difficult it is to take care of him.
his scars.
he does not want me to share his burden. so he says. he does not think its fair.
he now feels he treated me wrong.
that if only there was time.
he'll give up anyone he is with to be with me if circumstances permit that in the future ever.
he says he wont think twice.
he was scared he would feel for me more than he has ever felt for anyone.
and he pushed me away.
because he felt it wouldnt work out, that he would be hurt, it would be unfair.
he is right.
and he tells me this today.
long since i have ceased to be.
:)

When you bury your emotions with your own hands and carelessly butcher a part of you that
you know you can't live without.

A deliberate denial.

Desensitization
Slipping thpugh my fingers.
My attempts at stoicism are proving to be quite comical.
And painful.

Running, running,

far away.

Where the winds cannot touch me.

Where the moon cannot mock me.

Running, running,

stumbling, falling.

and its raining.

to make things worse.

What?

What is so hard to figure out over here?
Isn't it pretty obvious?
This game that iam playing-that iam enjoying-is going to end pretty soon, and pretty abruptly. But till it does, I'll enjoy every minute of it!
Do you know how much effort I have to put in all this? All the meticulous plans I have to chalk out in my twisted little head?
Funny how ridiculously heartless a person can be! But then again, what is so funny about it? Of course I have the right to do as I please and that is presicely what Iam doing right now (as I always have done previously as well).

It gives you a different kind of rush altogether.
Slice, slice, slice.
Sprinkle a little bit of genuine indifference,
A pinch of lust,
A dash of stiffled conscience,
And a whole lot of pretense!

And there you go! You're all set for an experience of a lifetime!!
Go ahead, judge me.
I bask in your apathy and disgust towards me.

Frozen dreams.
A few million of them.
Waiting to be thawed.

Yes I know. Things went wrong...so very horribly wrong. So what? That really means nothing. Do you really feel that will ever stop me from feeling the way i do about you? I have deliberately de-sensitized myself...But each time I see you, each and every time I hear you call my name....each time you hold my hand...even now, I feel the same emotions that always washed over me before. Who am i trying to fool? Myself and everyone around me (not that they care) I presume. Every single time I want so badly to be in your arms, I get flashes of you in her arms. ...Telling her the same things you always told me...Loving her the same way you loved me...Being so completely lost in her....never ever thinking what was going on inside me...your blatant lies...your insensitivity...never could imgine you could be so cruel to me..the one who you apparently loved...then again, there had been six and a half before me...

How will I ever move on? How can I ever forget you? How is that even possible? Those two months will last me an entire lifetime and you know it oh so well...Nothing helps...Nothing can ever...Iam so alarmingly empty without you...Do you even bother? Are things really as simple as you always make them seem? Was it really my fault?? Why am I then not guilty? Why do I love you so much? Look what you have done to me now...Look what I have ben reduced to. A pathetic caricature of my erstwhile self. Yes Iam going to blame you...for everything...its so much easier that way dont you think? I dont know how iam going on without you...pretending to be ok...Never knew I can be so pretentious.

I miss you like insane. When you got back to her...I felt so defeated....perhaps I had no reason or right to feel that way..but then again, not everything can be justified...You killed me...